It felt like I had been raped by The Hulk

From my MySpace blog from 2008

I was lying in the hospital bed, oxygen tubes in my nose, an IV in my arm pumping morphine into my bloodstream, in what the nurse was telling me was “level 10 pain”.

Only the night before I was a cool bar in Flagstaff (which was a nice change from the LA bars/clubs) having a blast with the eight new female friends I had just made who were up at NAU taking vocal training classes. My friends Ryan, John and Steve were all up there in a cabin for the weekend to get away. I was having some fun and letting them see how I had improved in the last two years since our last trip.

Only a week before I was at Boulevard 3 in Hollywood teaching at the Stylelife Total Life Makeover Conference. Teaching all day, coaching all night. Helping the guys all approach, showing them how it was done. I opened more sets that night than ever. Students were telling me this was the best weekend of their life, and seeing me in action was the coolest thing they had ever seen!

Now I am in bed with a hospital gown on, at the ER in Flagstaff, the cute nurse now approaches me and asks my name and if I have a living will. The fourth time I am asked about the will I ask them if they are fucking with me. She tells me I have to fill out a form with all my personal info, too much pain, she will write what I say.

Name?

Age?

Job?………STYLELIFE…….what’s that?

……Well I am……like a………dating coach……..

LIKE HITCH?????

……..ya…….sorta…….

Hey can I ask you a question? My boyfriend and I………….

Time starts to blend together, one second I close my eyes and the nurse was there, they open and she is gone, close them again……….open and my brother is next to me.

I need a CAT scan, he leaves. I am told that this radioactive IV is going to get pumped into me so they can see things clearer. I am then told I also need to get the radioactive solution in my intestines so they can see if it is my appendix.

How do you get it in there?

Then my worse fear comes true…….

A radioactive enema…….

Worst thing I have ever been through, afterwards as I am being wheeled back to my room, my whole body killing me, ass is sore, I feel like I had been raped by the HULK.

Twenty minutes later the doctor tells me they are preparing for surgery, my appendix has to come out.

What if I would have waited till I was back in LA like I wanted?

You would have died.

After surgery I wake up and ask how it went, she says the doctor will tell me tomorrow.

What, why not now?

You won’t remember

BULLSHIT I WILL! (that’s all I remember from my time in the recovery room)

Wake up in the hospital, and the rest of the day is a blur.

That night a SUPER HOT nurse comes in and tells me she has to check my bandages. A week ago she wouldn’t have known what was in store for her, now I am laying there barely able to move. She pulls up my gown and looks all around my package and checks the bandages. She asks if I have used the restroom yet.

Nope

Well when you do let me know.

A few hours later I get the strength to get up and make it to the bathroom, after puking the water and broth up that I “ate” I have the urge to go. Ten minutes later a drop comes out, for the next five minutes I squeeze some more out. I finally finish pissing into this plastic container, make it back to bed and hit the “call nurse” button.

My hot nurse comes in and asks if I am OK

I urinated

Good for you!

She measures it and says it was a good amount and to keep it up!

Oh how things have changed in a week…..

originally posted July 23, 2008 comments copied over

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9 responses to “It felt like I had been raped by The Hulk

  1. it reminds me of mystery’s breakdown… just more commical… i hope you feel better…

    1 question though… is it better to be raped by the hulk or raped with a bombardment of afc questions?

    dont die.. sla needs you

  2. I’m glad that your feeling better. That sounds like an aweful time. I would add a unicorn to the story, along with some ninja combat and a princes.

    It’s good to hear that your alright.

    -Hellshadow

  3. Hey, I’m really glad you’re okay, but I thought you were less squeemish. (smile)

    When I was in the hospital back in the stone ages, they wouldn’t let me walk to the toilet, so they stuck an 18 inch long tube into my bladder (yes through my private part). The morphine did little to kill that pain. There’s nothing like morning wood when you’ve got a stainless steel tube stuck inside. ha ha ha ha

    Seriously, we were all pulling for you and I am personally very glad you didn’t wait to get back to L.A. before going to the hospital.

  4. Sounds like it was appendicitis, right? My friend got that on Thanksgiving two years ago. He also got to it late and was in critical condition. Not QUITE as bad as your story sounds, but close.

    Get well soon! And hey, at least now you have a funny/interesting story to tell people… 😉

  5. sounded painful…in many, many ways something like tearing you down…to build you up…with out the building you up part???????? gotta love it…but you did make it entertaining bet you never thought you would make people laugh about it …later….did you?

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